My sister cracks me up

My mother just emailed me my sister’s satirical English essay (I guess they’re doing Swift right now). I thought it was pretty funny.

Debbie Bynard
+ AP English
Mr. Blair
April 27, 2004

We Have Met the Enemy, and He is Food.

Over half of the American population has cracked the barrier between acceptably hefty and obese. These people suffer from low self-esteem, social anguish, and the sometimes horrid effects of gravity. While they are surrounded by magazines, TV screens—and basically everything else—displaying famous celebrities, these people do not take action. If the goal is to achieve the perfect size double zero of the humble Paris Hilton, have legs for miles like Gisele, or the abdomen of Britney Spears, the goal is not far. With a little encouragement and a lot of force, the nation can together achieve this goal of perfection. We should consider the good of the country while absorbing this solution: Do we want our sons going over to Iraq and making our country look fat? What we must realize is that food is the enemy and as America has shown in just about every country in the world, we can conquer the enemy! We will conquer the enemy! Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country! (John F. Kennedy)

A problem this imperceptibly colossal can not be overcome with the help of only a small group of people. The government will ask for the assistance and ready involvement of each and every American, obese or not. There will be changes in legislature and regulations introduced in the workplace, business floor, and other areas of everyday activity. First and foremost, it is best to disclaim that this activity is not a choice, but a freedom.

The key to weight loss is found in both eating little and exercising constantly. The overweight people in this country are the unconscious victims of the enemy: fat building complex carbohydrates. The food industry will lend a hand in battling this enemy. Every grocery store will be solely devoted to and divided according to the leading diet fads such as the Atkin’s diet, the South Beach diet, the grapefruit diet, and the cabbage diet. This eliminates the temptations and degradations of buying “bad foods.” Restaurants nationwide will offer the “kid’s menu” to customers of all ages. Now anyone can order meals in small portions—and everyone should. It is sine qua non to integrate changes in the workplace as well. Former laws at both the state and federal levels have granted the privilege of a 30 minute lunch break and an additional ten minute break. With a new goal in mind, national rule will award workers with a five minute lunch break and a thirty minute exercise break. Federal funds will be granted to each business in need to support the construction of an exercise facility in the workplace if one is not already present within a one mile radius. Also, the hiring process can be negotiated on account of the aspiring worker’s weight problem. If it is not of the employer’s interest to take in an overweight worker due to fear of low productivity, claustrophobia, or simple preference, the government complies with this concern. Clothing retailers are also a largely significant contributor to the cause. Clothing will be available for women in the sizes zero to four and for men in the sizes 26-32. Please note that this measure will not be taken in exchange for tolerance of public indecency. Also, a nationwide effort will be made to eliminate the usage of all elevators, escalators, and other “easy ways out”, in exchange for stairwells to promote physical activity. The only exceptions are of course the handicapped and otherwise disabled persons whom actually have excuses. With the readily available avenues to healthy eating and exercise, there is no excuse anymore. This is not a fad, it is a lifestyle; this is not phase, it is a movement.

Through this time of change and long awaited improvement, it is best to focus on the benefits. Cost of living will be cheaper for a thin person. Clothing is cheaper to make and buy. Not to mention, all of the land that would once have been used to build malls to house huge articles of clothing can now be used to preserve wildlife. Gas efficiency will increase with the minimal amount of weight drag and the absence of a need for large vehicles. Thin customers will also save money when dealing with such services where a weigh-in process is mandatory in order to set prices (for example, the price tag for air fare is negotiated by the pound). Another problem solved is that of the use of anabolic steroids and other harmful intoxicants promoting bigness. There is a motto by which all should live: “One can never be too rich, too thin, or too tan” (Dutchess of Windsor).

Obesity can be fought and struck down at the fists of the nation. With a plan and a destination, America can be born again—only this time, thin and beautiful. With a few sacrifices, new laws, and a whole lot of faith in the American dream, this destination can be reached! It will be reached! These feelings of malcontent with the country will yield solutions beyond obesity such as those for fuel expense, mental/emotional health, and rain forest extinction. What this country has is a problem, and what this modest proposal offers is the answer.

~ by Matt Stratton on April 27, 2004.

4 Responses to “My sister cracks me up”

  1. Awesome.

    BTW, you’ve just got to love that Jonathan Swift.

  2. He’s no Ryan Swift, but he’s pretty cool I guess.

  3. He’s no Ryan Swift, but he’s pretty cool I guess.

  4. It must be genetic.

  5. It must be genetic.

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