Craigslist, continued…

I put up a new ad on Craigslist. And I got a reply for a girl who seems super cool.

Here’s my ad:

90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable! – 30

I’m 30 years old, live in Lakeview, and love movies. I love ’em so much that I actually make ’em. Well, I’ve made a few. One of them’s even been in a few festivals. But don’t worry – I have a “real job” too – and it doesn’t involve knocking over newspaper stands.

I dig improv, jazz, good rock and roll, and technology. And dogs. If you’ve got a dog, you win 5 points. What can you do with those points? I have no idea, but hey, who doesn’t like points? Communists, that’s who.

If you’re looking for a guy who works out all the time and is training for the marathon, I can introduce you to a friend of mine, but it’s not me. I don’t smoke, unless I’m watching a marathon of Absolutely Fabulous. I am able to cook, clean, and take out my own trash.

If finding a date was like ordering out of a catalog, I would want a girl that was a combination of Parker Posey, Sarah Silverman, and Liz Phair. But it’s not, so I mostly just want to meet someone funny and independent, whom I find attractive, and who does not enjoy the comedic stylings of Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, or Gallagher.

This was the reply I got:

How funny…you named my 3 of my favorite celebrity girls.  I don’t wanna date them, though.  I do hope you’re talking about Parker Posey pre-Josie & the Pussycats, Liz Phair pre-pop tart makeover, & Sarah Silverman pre-stealing Jimmy Kimmel’s wife’s husband.  (Actually, I think that gave her some street cred.)
So what’s my deal?  I’m 35 “but been told I look much younger.” (There’s a retarded personals ads cliche for you.)  Really, no one’s ever believed me when I tell them my age, and I get carded for cigarettes all the time.  I’m a girl, not a woman.  Despite 2 degrees, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I’m currently an event planner/waitress.  I choose vodka over beer, eggs & bacon over pancakes.  I’m a good eater but I think I’ve got a tapeworm because I only weigh a buck-o-five.  (People suspect me of being bulimic.)  I’m not a total stick figure, though; my butt in the right pair of jeans can turn heads.  I look all delicate and graceful, but I’m a huge klutz.  I’ve got a big black dog whom I love to death, (oh – 5 points for me!) but instead of boring people with “isn’t she cute” stories I gross them out with disgusting tales of misplaced excrement.  I loooove music, good music, not crap, (Wilco, heroin-era Stones, Liz Phair, Elvis C., Clash.)  I hate jazz (sorry.) and I’d like to punch Lenny Kravitz in the mouth.  I’m a huge insomniac, but once I go down I sleep like a champ and I hate getting up before 10.  I’m clothes-obsessed, cute, and girly enough that plenty of boys want to shag me but smart enough that they actually want to talk to me afterward.  Oh, and for some reason, married men just love me (but I abstain.)  I’m bored, bored, BORED because all my friends are married or practically so and getting out of the house after dark is getting too, too rare for me lately.
I want a cute boy who’s whipsmart and cocksure, but will still let me beat him in a battle of wits every now and then.  I don’t need to be showered with compliments or cheesy declarations of affection (that actually creeps me out), but if you see something you like, feel free to let me know.  If you feel the need to make out with me in an alley, then I’m willing to stick my hand down your pants.
So I’m going to end this mental vomit with another cheesy personals ads cliche:  “If you like what you hear, get back to me!”

We’ve exchanged a few emails already tonight. And she just sent me her picture, which isn’t the best, but it’s a Halloween picture, and I think she’s cute. The question is, of course, would Marcelo do her?

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~ by Matt Stratton on September 9, 2005.

14 Responses to “Craigslist, continued…”

  1. “If you feel the need to make out with me in an alley, then I’m willing to stick my hand down your pants.”

    That pretty much answers the question, doesn’t it?

    Although really, we’d have to talk about the bangs.

  2. “Major differences between Halloween & now: My hair’s longer; I’ve ditched the tiara, the “Miss Understood” sash, and the butch cowgirl (she’s “just a friend.”) ; my mascara doesn’t run (pagent girl, crying – get it?); my eyes don’t (usually) glow red. They’re really blue.”

  3. Fair enough. The overall hairstyle has GOT to go though if you want me to truly sign off. I’d do her at least once though. Just because, hey, sex is great!

  4. Looks right up your alley, although she loses 5 points for dogging Josie and the Pussycats.

  5. I love Josie and the Pussycats and everyone else makes fun of me for it!!

  6. I love Josie and the Pussycats and everyone else makes fun of me for it!!

  7. Du Jour means friendship.

  8. Du Jour means crash positions!

  9. Du Jour means crash positions!

  10. Du Jour means seatbelts!

  11. My favorite part is in the outtakes where Breckin Meyer is going on and on about how it’s too bad Seth Green’s momma couldn’t give him a good face, and Seth pauses for a beat, puts on a sad face, and says “You know my mom’s dead!”

  12. I already told her that I thought that Josie was an under-rated movie.

    Although, honestly, it’s one of my least favorite Parker roles.

  13. Holy crap dude! I love what she wrote back to you! YOU MUST MEET THIS WOMAN.

  14. Holy crap dude! I love what she wrote back to you! YOU MUST MEET THIS WOMAN.

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