Confidential to Brian C

The 5 Worst Candies of All Time

Out of everything on the list I’ve only had the displeasure of eating wax bottles and jawbreakers, probably because they came with goody bags from childhood parties and kids will eat anything artificially colored and borderline toxic as long as it’s sweet (me being one of these kids). I distinctly remember chewing on a wax bottle, feeling perplexed because it was missing a property of food that I tend to hold in high regard—that is, digestibility—and then spitting it out, thinking that it would only be worth biting through the inconvenient wax receptacle if the liquid inside were some kind of serum that gave you superpowers or increased brain functionality, which it did not. If anything, it may have lowered my brain activity.

I have to agree – paper dots are about the most useless candy on the planet. But circus peanuts are truly the worst candy of all time.


~ by Matt Stratton on June 14, 2007.

5 Responses to “Confidential to Brian C”

  1. I adore circus peanuts
    I love easter because the same funky sugary mixture that circus peanuts are made up are magically turned into Bunnies and chickens . The only odd thing about them is their colors . Strange 1960 pastel shades

  2. My Uncle Keith (who passed away when I was about four or five years old) was a big fan of circus peanuts. The only two things I remember about him were that a) he like circus peanuts, and b) he let me walk through the car wash in the gas station that he ran.

    By the way – Carrie STILL is raving about the flowers. As she put it “I didn’t cry when I saw Matt for the first time – but I cried when I saw my bouquet”.

  3. glad to hear she liked her flowers
    Sorry i stole your first cry moment but you know I have that power and gift with flowers. Home grown Peonies will bring people to tears

    It was great fun doing your wedding.
    hope you had fun in costa Rica . I want to go some place like that, but the other half will only go places that have a major league baseball team. What can i say

    You know one of the things i have always wanted to do was walk through a running car wash . No spray wax please

  4. Necco wafers. *urgh!!!* Just thinking about them makes me queasy. Tasted so medicinal! Actually, they could really put those to good use by using them to teach kids that drugs aren’t candy.

    Necco Spokesman: “If you eat a tablet, children, it will taste like this.”

    Kids’ response: *munchmunchmunch* “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll NEVER try drugs!”

    Necco, incidentally, is also responsible for those tasty Candy Buttons, Haviland Wafer Mints, and those chalky-gross Valentine’s Day conversation hearts. Thank god SweetTarts saved those by making their own brand!

  5. Oh, what is wrong with people? Paper dots and wax bottles were great. I have clear memories of sitting out on the swings in the back yard on a sunny day getting treated to wonderful, long, colorful sheets of paper dots. Eating colorful bits of sugar off of paper (in whatever patterns you chose) was fun. We had a lot of kiddie conversation around those things, too. Can you imagine how much fat and sugar the kids would have to eat to stay occupied so long with chocolate bars?

    Wax bottles, too, were fun. First you bite off the head and spit it out. Then (the best part) you suck out the little taste of sugar. When you have to work a little at something, it makes the reward so much better. Then you chew on the bottle. Chewing gum has always made me gag, but chewing wax actually had a nice feel to it.

    When I was a kid, the best candies were more about having fun than consuming mass quantities of unhealthy food.

    Circus peanuts, though… truly disgusting.

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